During the daytime, Johnson was a disgruntled IT Solutions engineer. Most of his days were spent “fixing” computers of the inept employees of the budding local company he worked for. Most of the complaints were as simple as “I can’t get my e-mail to work,” “Internet Explorer keeps freezing,” and along those lines. Most of the time, problems were started by employees, or rather the friends that sent them errant e-mails of an edited Dilbert comic strip, with hidden in the infrastructure of the zeroes and ones that made it, were viruses. Not “shut-down-the-entire-east-coast” kind of viruses, but viruses that just made life a little more stressful – random pop-ups, slowdown of system performance, etcetera, etcetera. This is the kind of bullshit that Johnson had to fix on a day-to-day basis.

When he wasn’t doing that, he was searching the darker recesses of the internet, searching for what else? pr0n.

pr0n, the never-ending, never-resting, constant engine of the internet. Without pr0n, there would be no internet, without the internet – there would still be pr0n. It would just be a whole lot harder to get. And a lot more expensive. Johnson thrived on the stuff – hidden in cleverly veiled folders throughout his computer were gigabytes; neigh—terabytes of pr0n. Various genres, with or without instruments, animals, you name it. The weirder, the more likely.

However, aside from the vast world of pr0n, there was actually one that ran more rampant on the internet. Typically, pr0n ran parallel with this dark, twisted world: the world of wAReZ. wAReZ, was the nickname developed for illegal software. The world of software developers once came to the conclusion that they could sell their products at ludicrous prices, and people would eventually have no choice but to purchase them. The only fault in this exhibition of smart marketing was the fact that obviously, not everyone would be able to afford them. And thus started the world of wAReZ. Nobody really knows how it started.

Perhaps it was someone purchasing for the first time, a copy of Corel Paint. Customer A enjoyed it so much, he talked about it to Customer B. Customer B couldn’t quite afford it, so Customer A loaned his copy to Customer B, to load on his computer, on the condition that he kept it on the down-low, and furthermore, did not register it over the internet. Customer B happily obliged, and installed Customer A’s copy of Corel Paint onto his own computer. Somewhere along the line, the process repeats; at some point, people are quick to realize the ability to copy installer files, or outright copy entire disks.

The advent of the internet led to being able to share installers and files without leaving the convenience of home. What started as sharing snacks evolved into a gigantic interactive buffet of illegally shared software. Developers tried to fight back with increased security measures, but hundreds of determined wAReZ “pirates” can easily crack the code written by overpaid corporate stiffs. In this ongoing war, wAReZ is undoubtedly the winning side. Illegal, yes, but the casualties are miniscule in comparison to the millions of dollars of software being used without express authorization from their respective companies. A lone Robin Hood wreaked havoc on Nottingham; metaphorically, what could be done when there were hundreds on thousands of Robin Hoods?

During the evening, Johnson himself was one of these Robin Hoods. With a vast knowledge of taking from the rich, and giving to the poor. In these instances, the poor would be his array of less-than-expertise friends and acquaintances who went to him for guidance, and ultimately, free software… the wAReZ. He would be a shepherd with his flocks of sheep… a Jedi Master among the Padawans. There was practically no piece of software he couldn’t get his hands upon, no pr0n that was unattainable, and no games that needed a $49.99 price-tag from Best Buy.

But after the unpleasantries of the previous night’s pirating, Johnson was touched by inspiration. To become the greatest pirate that the internet had ever seen. To become the one true Robin Hood, to make all the other pretenders out there, his Merry Men. And in order to accomplish this, Johnson realized that he would need the ultimate software. A piece of software that could do everything. Download, edit video clips, splice, dice, mix, hax0r… or in world of wAReZ pirate lingo…

pwn.

Such software did not exist. Johnson made it his goal to make this software a reality. A software so great, that future pirates could not improve upon it, for they were too busy using it to pretend that they were great pirates as well; unknowingly being pwned by Johnson the whole time.

Months passed. Years passed. Johnson stopped sleeping at one point. Even earlier, he stopped bathing. Dr. Pepper and Cheetos became fuel. Sanity was retained by breaks involving Star Wars pr0n. His job became secondary and existed only to provide him funds for fuel, and time to pirate more wAReZ… No company that provided a useful element was safe from the development of this legendary software in the making. Adobe was raped of its art software, and video editing capabilities. Microsoft was put up a futile resistance as Johnson was easily able to assimilate any processes he saw he needed. Various bit torrent software fell victim as each one’s unique and beneficial elements were stripped and combined with his ultimate software.

After one Wookiee year (one year, seven months, thirteen days, and nine hours), Johnson completed what he had set out to accomplish. As he sat in his dark basement with the light of his monitor glistening on his face, he zipped up the installer files, and prepared it for its deployment into the endless stream of bit torrents.

The internet was a buzz with the impending release of this miracle software. Johnson in some of his spare time had strategically created a small rumor of his life’s work, and as is such with the internet, word spread like a wildfire. Not since the release of the first three Star Wars episodes. According to the butchered rumors, this program was the end all to all other obsolete software out there. This could do everything – you name it, this software could do it. In fact, people got so tired of attempting to explain what it could do, that it became a verb in itself – simply described as being capable of only one thing:

pwning.

The torrent briefly flashed 100%, and then disappeared. Within five minutes, thousands of pirates had downloaded this super-software, installed it, and let it automatically run upon completion of installation. What they witnessed, was as they say it – history.